Been busy

The last time I posted was almost 4 months ago. So much has been going on. I was able to have a visit with my son and his adoptive parents (I asked expecting them to say no and they said YES!!!). It was bittersweet. He is so attached to his mom and dad and had very little interest in me. Ouch, that hurts, but on the other hand that happiness is what I want for him. It is not about me, it is about him. I want him to have a happy and wonderful childhood with great parents. He has that, so how can I sit around and regret my decision? I don't know how things would have been if I had parented him.

The other big thing going on is that I was able to get information on my birth mother. My mom had enough information on her to make it very easy. I learned that I was the third child she placed for adoption and there was one more after me placed for adoption. What do you call that? A serial birth mother? She did stop the habit by the time she gave birth to her 6th. She parented number 6 and 7. Hearing that information was hard. It showed me that I was better off in my adoptive family, something I always knew but needed confirmation for. Still, it is a lot to think about.

My title

I had a friend ask me why I used the title delighted mommy. she thought it made me sound like i'm a happy birthmother. i didn't even think of that.

I'm a delighted mommy to my daughter B. I'm too chicken to use her name here. she is my life and my joy. my reason for living. from that perspective i'm very delighted. am i a delighted birth mommy. well duh, no. i may think that i did what i needed to do, it doesn't mean it made me happy. it broke my heart.

i've spent a lot of time online today. i really did say that i was going out to lunch with my husband, didn't i?!

the last comment to my blog was comforting.

Sad

i haven't written in awhile. it seemed that after i started blogging, i felt more and more depressed over my little boy being adopted. as much as i've said i'm at peace with the decision, i have to admit that it hurts like hell. i try to focus on my daughter. she is the little love of my life. if i didn't have her, my life would be empty. i have my husband too. but there is something special about a mother child relationship.

what really stinks is that there are quite a few natural mother blogs that I read and a few are gone including 'haggardoldpsycho' who is not haggard old or psycho at all. she kind of held me together through some rough days because i could think about someday being reunited with my son. bums me out.

my husband is taking me out to lunch today. i'm hoping that will cheer me up a little.

Birthdads

It's weird how birthfathers seem so quiet and forgotten in adoption blogs. I have been reading a lot of them, and no one ever mentions these guys. Makes me wonder if birthfathers feel the same pain as birthmothers. Part of my adoption search is to find my birthfather too. I consider him equally important as my birthmother and if I move forward with that, I want to meet him too.

My own son's birthfather is long out of the picture. He was really upset about me placing our son for adoption. He had big fantasies of getting married. I would not have done that because he showed little interest in my daughter. Why would I marry a man who was not going to love my daughter as his own (as my current husband does even though she also has a biological father who is very involved with her). My son's birthfather did help me choose adoptive parents for him and he met them. I have not heard from him since shortly after the placement. He could have asked the parents for pictures, but he didn't. I hope he doesn't regret that. I really wonder how he thinks about things now. I hope that if our son does want to find us someday that he will be able to meet both of us. I bet that for boys the search is more about finding the man who fathered him than the woman who gave birth to him.

If anyone knows of any blogs by birthdads, I'd love to know about them. I'd just like more insight into that part of adoption.

Being a birthmom

There are a couple of really good posts out there from other birthmothers talking about not letting it define them. I would have never been able to express it so well, but that's really how I feel. When I made the decision to place my son for adoption, I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do. It totally sucked for me. It was the most painful thing I ever had to do. But I really believe that if I had kept him, I would have been a disaster mother to both my kids. I had to put my daughter and my first born twice. I know that must sound awful to people reading this. It makes me sound like I love my first child more. But I guess the thing is that I did. She was already with me and I was being a good mom to her. The baby growing in my womb wasn't real to me yet, so I made the adoption decision mostly for my daugther, knowing that at 20 years old I wasn't ready to be a single mother to 2 kids. And I know that was right. I wouldn't have finished college for years, I would have had to be on welfare, I doubt I would have ended up getting married to my husband.

I am me, Lindsay. I am someone's birthmother, but that is really just a small part of my life. My bigger roles are as mommy to my beautiful daughter. She always has come first and always will. I know it may hurt her someday that I gave up her brother but she will need to know that I thought it was the right decision and still do. He is way better off. My daughter is way better off. I don't know if I'm completely better off. I learned that you can't just place a baby for adoption and move on completely. I will never really be over it, even as much as I think it was the right thing. But I also don't want to ever allow myself to be filled with pain and regret. That would not be me. But it is painful so it's probably not realistic to think there won't be any pain.

I did finally ask my mom to give me the information she has about my birthparents. She is pulling it all together for me and will give it to me today. Names, birthdates, old addresses. Then I will think about what to do with it. I get scared sometimes of what I will find. Will my birthparents be alive? That is my first big fear. It would be really hard to make this decision and then find that they died. It's all pretty scary.

Disturbing website

as long as i'm here, i just have to comment on a website that is bugging me. the link is http://www.geocities.com/foreverandeveramenfamilies/.

it is pretty awful to make fun of adoption and what people might be going through.

the adoption world

i am new to blogging after having read several wonderful blogs on adoption. i am an unusual person of the adoption triad. at least i think i am! i was adopted by my parents as a newborn. i grew up to have a baby when i was 18 who is now my precious 9 year old daughter. when i was 20, i found myself pregnant again and made the really hard decision to place my son for adoption. i did not go through an agency because of disturbing stories i had heard about them. i was determined that i have all of the control to make decisions about my pregnancy and choice, so i set out to find adoptive parents for my son on my own. this meant telling friends and family that i was looking, telling my obstetrician, and poking around on the internet. you would not believe how many weird people i met through the process. or maybe you would!!

i found adoptive parents for my son in another state. i really didn't want the family close enough to be running into. that would have made me feel very nervous feeling that i would have to look over my shoulder every minute. not because i wouldn't want to see my child, but because i'm an emotional girl and didn't want to be bursting into tears or showing emotion by being surprised at the sight of him and his adoptive family. but i did choose a state that wasn't too far away, so if i wanted visits with him up the road, or the adoptive family requested visits, i would be able to get there easily. to make a long story short (for now), my son is 6 years old. his parents are very good about staying in touch with me, sending me photos when i request them, and we have created a good situation for all of us. in other posts, i will talk more about why i chose adoption (the jist of the story is that i was young, struggling to raise 1 child already, and nothing at the time felt as important as my 2 year old daughter. that sounds like a terrible thing to say, but she was here with me and my son was still in my womb. i hope to explain it better in another post). i will also talk more about the adoption process. how i chose the family and what it was like to say goodbye to my son. that was the part that i was not prepared for. it was and is the most difficult thing i've ever done.

another part of my process is being an adopted person myself and what that means. i am 26 and have not searched for my birthparents. i hope to do this soon. life is busy and overwhelming for me right now, and i can't seem to find courage to get started. it should not be a really difficult search because my parents were excellent about gathering up every bit of information that they could on my birthparents. my mom even looked in files that she wasn't supposed to be looking at when they were at the adoption agency they used to adopt me. i am grateful that i have parents who knew how important those links to my past would be someday. i think my parents are surprised, and even disappointed, that i haven't looked for my birthparents yet. i know that my mom especially is so curious to meet my birthmother and see what she is like. i think she has this big fantasy of being friends with her. you'd have to know my mom to understand that. she is a very sweet person. she was not thrilled with my decision to place my son for adoption, but she was my greatest support during that time. i know that's been hard for her too though.

i got married a year ago so that is one reason for life seeming busy. my husband is a great guy and a great second dad to my daughter. my daughter has a good relationship with her dad (her biological dad and my ex-boyfriend).

the most important thing in my life is being a mom to my little girl. she makes everything okay for me. i am not sure if i want more children. i feel like that could send a message to my son that i didn't want HIM, instead of the fact that it was the timing. that is another thing that i have to work through feelings on.

maybe doing a blog and having the chance to get out all of my feelings will make life seem clearer to me.