i am new to blogging after having read several wonderful blogs on adoption. i am an unusual person of the adoption triad. at least i think i am! i was adopted by my parents as a newborn. i grew up to have a baby when i was 18 who is now my precious 9 year old daughter. when i was 20, i found myself pregnant again and made the really hard decision to place my son for adoption. i did not go through an agency because of disturbing stories i had heard about them. i was determined that i have all of the control to make decisions about my pregnancy and choice, so i set out to find adoptive parents for my son on my own. this meant telling friends and family that i was looking, telling my obstetrician, and poking around on the internet. you would not believe how many weird people i met through the process. or maybe you would!!
i found adoptive parents for my son in another state. i really didn't want the family close enough to be running into. that would have made me feel very nervous feeling that i would have to look over my shoulder every minute. not because i wouldn't want to see my child, but because i'm an emotional girl and didn't want to be bursting into tears or showing emotion by being surprised at the sight of him and his adoptive family. but i did choose a state that wasn't too far away, so if i wanted visits with him up the road, or the adoptive family requested visits, i would be able to get there easily. to make a long story short (for now), my son is 6 years old. his parents are very good about staying in touch with me, sending me photos when i request them, and we have created a good situation for all of us. in other posts, i will talk more about why i chose adoption (the jist of the story is that i was young, struggling to raise 1 child already, and nothing at the time felt as important as my 2 year old daughter. that sounds like a terrible thing to say, but she was here with me and my son was still in my womb. i hope to explain it better in another post). i will also talk more about the adoption process. how i chose the family and what it was like to say goodbye to my son. that was the part that i was not prepared for. it was and is the most difficult thing i've ever done.
another part of my process is being an adopted person myself and what that means. i am 26 and have not searched for my birthparents. i hope to do this soon. life is busy and overwhelming for me right now, and i can't seem to find courage to get started. it should not be a really difficult search because my parents were excellent about gathering up every bit of information that they could on my birthparents. my mom even looked in files that she wasn't supposed to be looking at when they were at the adoption agency they used to adopt me. i am grateful that i have parents who knew how important those links to my past would be someday. i think my parents are surprised, and even disappointed, that i haven't looked for my birthparents yet. i know that my mom especially is so curious to meet my birthmother and see what she is like. i think she has this big fantasy of being friends with her. you'd have to know my mom to understand that. she is a very sweet person. she was not thrilled with my decision to place my son for adoption, but she was my greatest support during that time. i know that's been hard for her too though.
i got married a year ago so that is one reason for life seeming busy. my husband is a great guy and a great second dad to my daughter. my daughter has a good relationship with her dad (her biological dad and my ex-boyfriend).
the most important thing in my life is being a mom to my little girl. she makes everything okay for me. i am not sure if i want more children. i feel like that could send a message to my son that i didn't want HIM, instead of the fact that it was the timing. that is another thing that i have to work through feelings on.
maybe doing a blog and having the chance to get out all of my feelings will make life seem clearer to me.